


your body is where my peace begins

by orphan_account



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: (Caleb is drunk; Cad is not), Crying During Sex, Drunk Sex, Explicit Consent, First Time, M/M, Overwhelmed Caleb, Virgin Caduceus Clay, outdated notions of virginity, real making-fun-of-Fjord hours out here, this one actually isn't too freaky guys, warning for Caleb's self-esteem issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 01:52:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18539881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: TM9 are relaxing in a tavern after their latest exploits, and Caleb propositions Caduceus before his drunk mind can catch up with him. Caduceus, for all the vacuity he's known for, puts his insight to good use.





	your body is where my peace begins

**Author's Note:**

> nothing too graphic imo, but Caleb does have a brief breakdown during sex about his worth, etc., but it is resolved. this work also features quite a inebriated Caleb having sex with Caduceus (sober). 
> 
> anyway i'm NEVER going to stop bullying fjord for being a bottom! that's all for today's PSA

The residual adrenaline from the fight has The Mighty Nein drinking themselves into a stupor at much too late an hour in their newest lodging, and Caleb has drunk just enough liquid courage that his body moves without much thought of his own anymore. He slinks away from the bar, leaving Nott and Yasha to their conversation, and slides clumsily into the open chair next to Caduceus.

Caduceus offers a drowsy smile once he catches Caleb’s eye, but Caleb has to duck conspiratorially to be heard over The Mighty Nein’s usual raucous. Jester is recounting the tales of their (her) heroics to any of the other patrons who’ll listen while the rest of the Nein mill about their table, and it’s enough to deafen the tavern they’re all inhabiting. Caleb is briefly hidden behind a curtain of that pink hair as Caduceus leans towards him, so distracting that he very nearly forgets in his drunken stupor what he was asking.

“Mr Clay, would you mind coming with me? I have something I’m researching that I think would be very much your area of expertise, and I would like to request your help,” he asks, shutting his eyes to better his focus on what he’s trying to say, but all it achieves is focusing his attention on how he just said those words, out loud, to Caduceus. Those words that will have consequences momentarily. He can feel the shame and regret of tomorrow morning already flashing behind his eyes.

He opens his eyes to the bleary realisation that he must look quite strange, and Caduceus is still smiling down at him, just observing for a moment, before he chuckles and nods. Caduceus stands up, and Caleb is staring dead-eyed at the green of Caduceus’ armour for a moment too long before he shoots to his feet as well. Caduceus lets him lead the way out of the common area, oblivious to Fjord and Molly exchanging coins behind them, though Caduceus can’t help but hear their low chatter.

“Looks like our darling has finally done it,” Molly says, head resting in one of his palms as he passes Fjord a clinking handful of silver.

Fjord is watching them as they leave, only turning back to Molly as his fingertips brush across Fjord’s wrist as he withdraws his hand. “Now, don’t go judgin’ him Molly, not everyone can be as . . . forward as yourself on a dime.”

Caduceus misses Molly’s reply as he steers Caleb out of the path of a support beam and up the tavern stairs. It’s dim with the evening and only the light from the lanterns on the second storey walls, and he can’t help but keep a hand hovering over Caleb’s side as they traverse up the stairs.

Caleb shoulders into the room, nearly crumpling onto the bed when he’s within reach, looking dazedly up at Caduceus as he closes the door behind them. “Caleb?” Caduceus asks, stepping to lay the back of his hand against Caleb’s forehead. His cheeks are flushed with heat, and he tilts his head up to look at Caduceus.

“Mein Gott,” Caleb sighs, followed by a rapid-fire string of more Zemnian, totally incomprehensible to Caduceus. “Please, I don’t – you can go if you would like,” Caleb says, finally, dropping his head forward again.

“Caleb? I’m not going to leave you here,” Caduceus says, dropping down onto a knee to meet Caleb’s gaze, but he looks away just as fast, almost trying to hide behind his knotted hair. “What’s wrong? Didn’t you need help with something?” He trails off, now thinking back to Molly and Fjord, how the glaze in Caleb’s eyes earlier might have been directed at himself. Caduceus can feel himself flush, and he knows that he’s is turning red under the grey peach fuzz of his cheeks.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you here. I wasn’t thinking right. This is unfair of me,” he says, still refusing to meet Caduceus’ eyes. He looks like he wants to lay his head in his hands – as Caduceus has seen many times – and speaks more Zemnian to himself in the quiet.

Caduceus watches him closely, “Do you really want me to go? Or do you just want to feel sorry for yourself?”

It shocks Caleb into looking at him at last, mouth folded into a grimace before he tries to defend himself. His stuttering is answer enough for Caduceus, though. “I – ah. Well, you know I am very in–inebriated right now, and I don’t want to be inconsiderate,” he says at last.

“So you think I came up here just to humour you? I’m sorry Mr Caleb, but this is one of the rare times that I believe you’ve been misled,” Caduceus says, and feels awful for a moment as Caleb visibly tries to pull the meaning from his words in his drunken state. He’s returned to avoiding looking at Caduceus’ face, but Caduceus reaches out with a hand and gently motions for Caleb to look at him, leaving his hand to rest against Caleb’s cheek. “Now, I know that I don’t have much experience in this, but I trust that you’ll help me along, right?” He says, leaning forward just far enough to feel the heat of Caleb’s body, just far enough to feel Caleb tense, just waiting for him.

Caleb stutters through the distance between them, meeting Caduceus’ lips with a mumbled, “Ja, of course.”

They meet with a gentle hesitation, both sensitive to every twitch and hitch of breath, before Caleb smiles and learns how to fit himself against the shape of Caduceus’ lips. His hand comes to thread through Caduceus’ hair, correcting the angle of his head minutely as he leads them. He feels Caduceus, tentative at first, moving only a little against him. Then, as Caleb nips at his lips and licks into his mouth, Caduceus begins to respond in kind. He shuffles forward on his knees to get closer, hand still resting against Caleb’s cheek, cradling his jaw. He can feel Caleb’s tongue running against the inside of his mouth, shivers with the intimacy of it, and returns one of Caleb’s little bites on his lower lip.

Cool air sweeps across his mouth as Caleb leans back, his breathing laboured as he gives a small, distracted smile. Caduceus opens his eyes a second later, feeling perhaps like he is more intoxicated of the two of them now, and returns Caleb a beam of his own. “Now, that was great. I get why people do that so much,”

Another burst of heat flashes across Caleb’s face, but he still leans back into Caduceus, holding him softly at the taper of his waist and through the hand still tangled in his hair. Caduceus inches forward to meet him again, and he can taste the alcohol on Caleb’s breath, licks it out of his mouth with soft strokes. Caleb makes a whining sound and Caduceus cracks an eye open to see that heavy flush, and Caleb’s wanting face.

“Are you alright?”

Caleb’s eyes scrunch at that, and he shakes his head in dismissal. He pulls Caduceus forward as he crawls back on the bed, eventually leaning back on his elbows and looking up at Caduceus, half-poised over him. His knees splay on either side of Caleb’s thighs, a hand propping himself up on the bedding. All Caleb can see above himself is Caduceus, framed by the darkness of the room.

He pulls Caduceus down to himself, finally slotting their bodies together. They’re not lined up as well as Caleb might wish, with his body so used to curling up and away from notice, and Caduceus, tall but slight in his grasp. To pull Caduceus’s mouth to his would pull his body away from Caleb’s, away from where Caleb thinks they both need the attention most.

Caduceus, heedless of Caleb’s rumination, uses his free hand to sneak under the fabric of Caleb’s shirt, right in the triangle of exposed skin where the buttons meet. He undoes the buttons as he goes, pushing the folds of Caleb’s shirt back as he works his way up Caleb’s torso. His mouth meets where his hands had begun on Caleb’s skin, right at the line of Caleb’s pants before he kisses and noses his way up to Caleb’s collar, pausing to kiss at the hollow of his neck before venturing over Caleb’s jaw to meet his lips again.

Caleb has to strain to not moan into the kiss at the careful attention that Caduceus lays over him like thick honey, so foreign to him now that he’d forgotten how to desire it. Caduceus has no such qualms, groaning when Caleb slots a leg between his thighs and giving a quiet chuff when Caleb reaches to unlace his pants, pushing the many beads strung around his hips to the side. His fingers are clumsy with the alcohol, but he can’t let Caduceus do the work – not when he was the one to push Caduceus into this, not when Caduceus is such a good person, deserving of only the most Caleb could offer. Caleb hadn’t even earnt this attention from Caduceus, but he wasn’t going to stop him if Caduceus was as kind as to think Caleb deserved him.

Caduceus breaks the kiss as Caleb’s fingertips skirt the inside of the fabric, panting into the pillow beside Caleb’s head, whining when Caleb’s hand retreats, stilling on his angular hipbone. “Do –” Caleb pauses, swallowing around the sudden dryness of his mouth as he looks down to see the bulge in Caduceus’ pants, “Do you want me to keep going?”

He receives another of Caduceus’ cries in his ear as an answer, and both of his hands come to push Caduceus’ pants down over his hips, just enough so that his hand can snake into the gap between the cloth and skin. He follows the thick thatching of pink hair downwards until his fingers meet with the base of Caduceus’ dick, hot to the touch.

He just rubs against the silken skin there for an agonising moment before relenting to Caduceus’ nips at his neck and wrapping his fingers around the thick shaft, pulling Caduceus’ cock out of his smalls and pants as he goes. One of Caduceus’ hands finds its way back to Caleb’s face, cradling his jaw in his palm and tangling his fingers in Caleb’s hair as he whimpers. Trying to find a speed that pleases Caduceus, Caleb starts slowly, thumbing the underside of his cock as his fingers stroke over the shaft.

“Caleb,” Caduceus moans, hips stuttering forward to fuck the loose grip of Caleb’s palm.

“Feels good, ja?” Caleb asks before he can really stop himself, eyes raking over Caduceus’ form shuddering above him. He can feel the way Caduceus’ hair shifts against his shoulder as he nods, groaning with the creaks of the bed as he pushes into Caleb’s grip. Caleb brings his other hand up to his mouth, licking a long line of saliva up from palm to fingertip before bringing it down to his other hand on Caduceus’ cock, stroking him with his spit-slick hand and rubbing his sack with his other.

Caduceus pushes himself back onto his elbows, looking down to see Caleb, with that dark flush to his cheeks, watching where his hands work over Caduceus’ dick. He looks up to meet Caduceus’ gaze, and Caduceus has to fold himself awkwardly to press his lips back to Caleb’s, smoothing that concentrated pinch from between his eyebrows. “Hang on,” Caduceus breathes, pulling back again to roll onto the empty stretch of bedding beside Caleb so they’re side-by-side, rolled inward to face each other. “There we go,” he says, leaning back in to meet Caleb’s mouth with his own, trying not to break away as Caleb jacks him off.

“Caduceus, how – how far do you want to go?” Caleb mumbles against his lips, those talented hands making Caduceus feel like he’s both dying and being reborn.

“Far? I don’t know what you mean,” he groans out, trying to bring his attention back to the way Caleb is looking at him. Caleb hums in response, pulling away his hands one at a time, one against the bedding and the other lying over Caduceus’ hip.

Caduceus has to force himself to not pull Caleb’s hands back, or replace them with his own, as Caleb looks up to him with that pleased expression. “Mein Gott, ja, I’m sorry. I mean,” Caleb breaks off, muttering to himself in Zemnian before returning to Common, “What do you want to do? With me?” he finishes, and Caduceus watches the scrunch of his brow as Caleb grimaces to himself.

“Well, uh, I think I’d like to see what all the fuss is about, with sex and all. It’s going pretty well so far, I think,” he says, smiling again, and he looks even more dazed than usual to Caleb below him, eyelids dropping as the corners of his mouth turn up, still flushed from Caleb’s hands. Caleb nods along with half a mind, one hand returning to work over Caduceus’ length while the other unties the lacing around his own hips.

There’s a pause in their motion as Caleb shuffles the pants down over his hips, and Caduceus pulls his own off the rest of the way. Next off is Caleb’s coat, though he’s still left in a shirt and bandages underneath it, and he rifles through one of the inner pockets before pushing it off the bed. He rolls back to face Caduceus with a vial clasped in his hand, though Caduceus doesn’t catch proper sight of it before Caleb is kissing him again.

He reaches out blindly and finds purchase on Caleb’s hip, and cracks an eye open to see him, one hand bent behind himself, just a moment before Caleb groans into their kiss. He’s not too versed in this kind of body language, with only a few midnight encounters of Fjord muffling noises into his pillow as he did something similar, but he can speculate what Caleb might be doing now.

He wants to trace over where he knows Caleb is readying himself, slick up his own fingers and feel for himself, but Caleb pushes Caduceus’ wandering hand back to that little vial, and then to his cock. It’s a slow process with Caleb distracted and not opening his eyes as they kiss, and Caduceus is all the more grateful for it when Caleb’s free hand, returns to Caduceus’ dick. He jerks Caduceus off for only a moment before retreating, moving to pick up the vial and press it into Caduceus’ own hand, and Caduceus pours it into his palm without thinking.

Caleb finally splits an eye open to see Caduceus with a near-comical amount of lube in his hand, and pulls away from their kiss to warn him too late, with Caduceus already tipping his hand and letting the fluid drip down onto his cock. The little vial and the droplets running down the length of it serve only to make Caduceus’ dick look bigger, and then as it pools in the dip of his pelvis, Caleb thinks quietly to himself that Caduceus is lucky to have taken off his pants already, and kicks his own pants and smalls off the rest of the way before Caduceus’ sticky hands can reach for them.

“This is very strange. And a bit cold,” Caduceus says, looking to Caleb for guidance as he slicks himself.

It’s difficult for Caleb to tear his eyes away from Caduceus’ cock, from the size of it, and when he looks up Caduceus’ expression looks unsure. “Ja, it is a very weird feeling for a while. Are you still – did you want to continue?” There’s an uncertainty that even he can hear in his voice, but Caduceus nods, can’t think of wanting anything else, and Caleb smiles back up at him. “That’s good, then.” He motions for Caduceus to roll back on top of him, and he slips his legs around Caduceus’ thin hips to guide him closer. Caduceus holds himself up with one arm, uses the other to hold his dick against Caleb’s slippery inner thighs, and pauses. One of Caleb’s hands comes to join his, helping Caduceus angle himself before Caleb nods up at him with a quiet, “Please.”

Caduceus shudders out a moan as he presses into Caleb, only able to think of the pressure of Caleb around him, how it’s so foreign and so good he thinks he might choke trying to breathe. He pushes forward at the slowest pace he can manage without shaking, trying to commit it to memory lest he forgets what the fuss is all about.

He’s just over halfway into Caleb when he opens his eyes again, and Caleb has one of his arms thrown over his eyes, flushed from his cheeks down to his chest. His stomach quivers with the tension Caduceus can see him holding, and he pushes the rest of the way in, right until Caleb can feel the curls at the base of Caduceus’ cock against his skin. Laying down has only made Caleb feel drunker, consciousness lost in the back of his skull somewhere, but it’s even worse with Caduceus splitting him apart. He can feel the space that Caduceus’ cock has made for itself in his insides, and he ghosts a hand down his torso to hold himself, shocked nearly to gasping as he feels a slight rise in his abdomen.

He pulls his arm off his face as he traces around the outline, Caduceus looking down at him. “Are you okay? Is this okay?” Caduceus asks, looking over Caleb properly now, eyes wet and teary as he shakes, hand cupped over Caduceus’ dick inside of him.

Caleb looks up to him, nodding dazedly. “Maybe just give me a minute,” he says with a sigh, eyes drifting closed as he runs his other hand through his hair. “You’re rather impressive, Mr Clay,” he says, still drunk enough to say each embarrassing thought as it crosses into his mind, but sober enough to regret it as he says it. He can’t stop dragging his fingertips over his distended stomach, some animal part of his brain so pleased with it that he can scarcely think of anything else. Caduceus runs his clean hand along Caleb’s flank as he catches his breath, pads of his fingers tracing over Caleb’s face, pushing his hair back and settling him into his skin once more. Caleb almost wants to reach down and stroke himself to completion in this state of bliss, ignoring Caduceus’ pleasure for the moment, but instead pats Caduceus on the ass. “Please, move now.”

“Of course,” Caduceus answers, already fixing his posture over Caleb.

Each thrust feels like a slow eternity and all Caleb can do is try to not let those tears overflow, still holding his abdomen to feel the entry and exit of Caduceus’ cock. But Caduceus’ pace is slow, as Caleb would argue that everything Caduceus does is, even teasing if it weren’t for the earnestness that Caduceus groans with. Caleb can see his ears, alternating between twitching and flicking as he pushes into Caleb, and staying flattened against the sides of his head when something feels particularly good.

The drag of Caduceus’ dick through him is relentless, despite the speed, and Caleb feels the first of the tears spills over and down his temple into his hairline. Whimpers leave him as he tries to stop the tears, or at least wipe them away. He knows Caduceus is going to regret this tomorrow, and Caleb will have fucked it up and made everything weird again. Caduceus doesn’t deserve all of his baggage, especially not now, not during his first time that Caleb stole from him because he was drunk and needy. And he can’t even stop crying because it’s so good and he knows that he’ll never have this again.

He feels a hand stroke down the side of his face, pushing his now wet hair away from where it sticks against his skin from the tears. “Hey,” Caduceus’ voice rumbles over him, “Hey, settle petal – what’s wrong?” He asks, and Caleb can feel the weight of Caduceus’ body as he leans down to press kisses on the crown of his forehead.

The kindness with which Caduceus treats him forces a sob out of him before he stills, holding his breath in before releasing it slowly, trying to quell the building ache in his throat. He shakes his head as Caduceus’s hand cards through his hair, and then Caduceus’ hand is retreating and he can’t stop the alarm in his voice as he says, “No, no, please. Please stay.”

“Of course, of course,” Caduceus croons above him, hand returning to brushing through Caleb’s hair. He takes the moment to brush away his tears with his clean hand, sniffling as he opens his eyes to see Caduceus with a pained expression above him. He takes Caduceus’ hand with his own, bringing it to his mouth and laying gentle kisses against his palm as Caduceus speaks. “I’m so sorry Caleb, I didn’t know that I was doing something wrong. I can go now if you’d like,” he says, and Caleb can see the anguish on his face and he nearly starts crying anew.

“No, my Liebling, my darling, no. I want you to stay, I want to keep going,” he says, and he can see the way Caduceus’ face twists. He can still feel the thickness of Caduceus’ cock inside of him, the desire burning at his fingertips, but still, the burden of his past weighs on him.

His face falls into a frown as he says, “I don’t want to continue if you’re crying Caleb, something’s wrong,” and Caleb nearly laughs at himself, at them, at this awful world with such varied people in it, at the fact that he knows so many of the wonderful ones.

“I was crying because I was enjoying myself, and then –” he stalls, trying to think of how proud Beau would be at him sharing his feelings, “– then I was thinking that you didn’t have to do this for me and that I’m sorry for taking your virginity because it should’ve been better and I should’ve been better and I was crying and being strange and,” he stops to breathe, closes his eyes again, and holds Caduceus’ hand close. When he speaks again, it’s with deliberate slowness, “I’m just sorry. I like doing this with you, and I’m sorry I’ve caused such a fuss.”

Caduceus’ head comes down again as he lays kisses over Caleb’s forehead, down the crook of his nose, over each cheek, stopping finally to leave a brief peck over Caleb’s lips. “I’m glad that you like it, but please don’t think that I would be here if I didn’t like it as well. I want to be here with you, and I don’t care about my virginity or lack of, or that this time should be special over others. I’m here because I want to be, and I want you to be okay with letting yourself enjoy it too,” he says, kissing over Caleb’s jawline once he finishes speaking.

And Caleb is still trying not to cry, but he gives a wobbly smile up to Caduceus. “I’m glad,” he says, hand drifting back to where Caduceus’ cock distends the skin of his abdomen, and strokes in a downwards sweep with enough pressure that Caduceus moans. “Now, please can we keep going? I feel like I may die if I don’t cum soon,” he asks, and Caduceus huffs out a laugh before returning his smile.

 “I think I feel very similar,” he says, righting himself over Caleb and resuming a languid piston of his hips. He’s slow to start again, but he builds pace once more.

Each time Caduceus fucks the full length of his cock into Caleb it still feels like his breath his being pulled from him, but he can relax into it now, arching his back with a whine. His other hand, still smeared with lube, strokes along his dick in time to Caduceus’ thrusts.

Caduceus’ lazy thrusts devolve into sharp snaps of his hips, right as one of his hands finds purchase against Caleb’s side, fingers slotting under his bowed back. He rubs the pad of his thumb against the pebbled skin, watching for Caleb’s reaction.

It’s an expression of mild surprise that greets him, the kind that he knows as a pleasant shock, and Caleb gives him an approving half-smile before his eyes slide shut again, a groan shuttering forth from his throat. It’s more than satisfying to see Caleb, usually so high strung and anxiety-ridden, relax into simple enjoyment of the flesh.

There’s little that Caduceus can do to hold onto his higher-order thought processes either, though, still trying to familiarise himself with the searing sensation of Caleb around him each time he fucks his dick into him. It’s aggressive – the heat that crawls up his nape and settles itself in the need to rut into that warmth of Caleb’s. The flush burns across his cheeks and chest, down to the exertion of the joints of his hips. Caleb, too, isn’t exempt from the heat and motion of their bodies – still pink in the face from where he’s breathing in gasps and sighs.

It’s simple for Caleb to lose himself in pleasure again, the rock of Caduceus’ hips against his own, the easy slide of his fist over his dick, the overwhelming size of Caduceus in him, and he’s on the verge of orgasm before he really knows it. He doesn’t have the time to spare Caduceus much warning bar a cry as he cums across his chest, milking his cock through the waves. His eyes are still lidded shut but he can feel the slowing of Caduceus’ thrusts as his orgasm peters out gradually.

He opens his eyes to Caduceus leaning over him still, hips gone still from when he’d gotten distracted watching Caleb cum. The longing is clear on his face and Caleb pulls him down for a kiss, only brief as the angle couldn’t be comfortable, and pushes on his hip to signal for Caduceus to pull out.

A halting sigh rumbles from Caduceus chest as he does, but he doesn’t lament the lost sensation for long because then there’s Caleb’s hand wrapped over his cock again, fingers looking so small around the shaft of him. Then Caleb’s other hand joins, and he’s crying out into the pillow beside Caleb’s head as he mumbles in Zemnian to him. He can’t understand a lick of it, but the tone that Caleb speaks in is soothing enough that he’s flexing his hips to meet Caleb’s hands, and erotic enough that he’s cumming after only a moment, adding to the mess over Caleb’s stomach.

The exhaustion that overcomes him nearly has him slumping over Caleb’s form, but Caleb groans, “No, no we need to go clean up now,” with a weak shove of his hand, and Caduceus nearly grumbles like he hasn’t since he was a child. Caleb gives a laugh beside him, and he strokes over Caduceus’ shoulder with his knuckles. “Ja, I know – you just want to go to sleep, but it will be bad later,” he continues, pushing Caduceus back up onto his knees before joining him.

“Are you always this tired after sex?” Caduceus asks, stepping blindly back off the bed and swaying to standing. He feels strangely more naked now than during sex, and he nearly looks around for a cloth to cover himself with.

Caleb laughs again, more of a chuckle to himself this time, and says “Well, you did most of the work Mr Clay. I’m afraid being in your position often means you, um –” he pauses to think of the right word as he climbs off the bed, pulling some of the sheets with him, “– exert yourself more,” he finishes, looking both embarrassed and proud of himself as Caduceus looks down at him. He motions for Caduceus to help him strip the bed, and saddles up beside him so that Caduceus can feel the warmth of his side in the cool air of the room as they work.

“Oh,” Caduceus wonders, “Is that related to why everyone calls Fjord a, uh, a pillow princess?”

**Author's Note:**

> i told myself that i wouldn't get sucked into writing for CR and my past hubris astounds me even now


End file.
